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2003-10-26 - 12:11 p.m. Ok, I have not written here in three weeks. That may be a record, but not one I wish to break any time soon. I guess the reason I haven't been entering things here is the sheer amount of emotions going through my life right now are overwhelming me. Perhaps that would be a good reason to come here more often. The whole fertility thing is overwhelming me. I seem to get closer to actual, normal ovulation only to have the progesterone test come back low. And now my husband has to be a bigger part of this whole thing because, while not shooting blanks, the numbers are lower than they should be. One more hurdle. At least we were able to get him into the urologist before next January, thanks to a little help from one of my coworkers whose father is a urologist here in town. I am not upset so much by not being pregnant, as by the changing from month to month to try to get closer to what we want, fertility-wise. My doctor has us set up for an AI consult, but my mind asks what good that will do if I don't yet ovulate normally. Sometimes I feel very much like we are putting the horse in front of the cart. I don't think that my doctor's office realizes that sometimes I can have the patience of Job - I just need to have answers and a plan of action. I can do the same thing six months in a row, waiting for a good egg to pop, if I know that it is likely to happen. AI seems premature since Scott has not even gone to the doctor yet (perhaps there is a relatively easy way to get sperm count up - like cut out the caffeine, nicotine, poor eating habits and hot, hot baths) and again - I need to know what it would accomplish that regular insemination does not. If they can take the semen and concentrate the sperms or such, or place them in a healthier nutritional bath then that is ok. If it is just to place the sperms closer to their goal - that is ok, but again, if they are poor swimmers, do we want them winning the race? And if I don't ovulate well (as seems to be the case at the moment) then why would we go to this step yet? Sigh - I guess those are the questions I need to bring with me to the consult. Work is hell. Any of you who want to be a vet - remember, you will make someone cry on a daily basis. Most of the time for me lately (and this is probably due to pressure from other life events) there is no puppy or kitten pleasure that can balance the sadness of my job. Even thinking about restarting a career or more school to change this one again overwhelms me. Church is getting to me - I have a lot of hats to wear there, and I don't seem to be placing any of them on my head straight as of late. I have no motivation to get the choir stuff ready, no motivation to lead meetings, and frankly, I get really disheartened by our low numbers and no new members. I can't let this out at church; the members there have enough to worry about as does my minister, and placing a hopeful/brave face on things is just a matter of course for me there. Maybe that is part of my problem. I try to carry these burdens alone and that is never a very smart thing to do. I try to be a strong person - often that is one of my greatest failings because I don't ask for help when I need it. WW is going poorly too. I have started to have a lot of people tell me that I look like I've lost a lot of weight (if they only knew how far I have to go...) and yet I can't seem to find motivation for this aspect of my life either. I eat when I am stressed, and lately everything has looked good to me. I can't seem to get it under control and that is a little disheartening as well. There are times where I am really upset and don't even want to eat, and then there are times when a full buffet dinner wouldn't satisfy. Oh well, sometimes I blame it on the hormones. Ok, enough wallowing - I truly am not a depressed person, nor do I need meds or anything like that - I am just tired and stressed and needed an outlet. For those of you who made it this far - here's some reward. I am thankful for my husband. He is the greatest guy and he is proving to be a great support (and a good sport) about all of this fertility stuff. He's got his own hurdles to face in this, but he is going at it like a trooper and putting up with my moodiness as well. I can lean on him and that is a very good thing. I am thankful I actually have a job. In this time of recession and unemployment, both Scott and I have relative job security and both of us are relatively happy in our chosen careers. We live relatively well, pay the bills with a little extra. I am thankful for my family - I miss my sister and wish she lived in Minneapolis, but love to visit her in Chicago. I love my mom and dad and wish they lived here, too, but am content to visit them in Iowa and next weekend they are coming to visit me - hooray!! I am thankful for my home. I love to have it and be able to do things to it (even when I have no motivation to clean). I love my cats - they may be pukers, poopers and pee-ers, but they are wonderful and love me and Scott. I love my book club. The members are the best group of ladies on earth. I get to see them on a regular basis (and some more than others) but it never gets old and I look forward each time to seeing them. I am proud of them, too, as they have organized a donation to the new Minneapolis Library, where we will have a plaque on a shelf proclaiming it as "The Nephew Quoyle Book Club" shelf. I am sad that Aquavit closed (a trendy, yummy, spendy place to eat) but Scott was lamenting the foie gras genache never passing our lips again. Guess what. There is an Aquavit cookbook now, complete with f.g.g. recipe - his anniversary present (three years on Tuesday). And finally, this morning, I am thankful for my friend KitchenLogic, who showed me this site, because it is truly cathartic to be able to get down some feelings that I don't want to burden others with. It also helps solidify how I feel, and realize how to help myself along. Until later.
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